Article & Video Library

Why Women Must Love Power

They say men want power, and women want love. I want both.

And I bet you do too.

All too often, we assume that women don’t desire power— that we prefer to be near power, or perhaps make love to power–anything but in actual possession of it.

That’s nonsense.

You can easily debunk that myth by pointing to the marches that took place following the presidential inauguration, as women all over the world (and their allies) campaigned for the safety and freedoms of womankind. It was an uprising of love, a rejoinder far greater than politics, and it was, by all means, a declaration of power.

The truth is, women really do love power, but we often give it away.

Sometimes this surrender takes the form of sharing the best of ourselves with undeserving men, or subscribing to a beauty culture designed to trap us in an endless spiral of insecurity and hope. We hand over our power every time we suppress our sensuality, downplay our wit, or apologize for being ambitious.

Most often, we give up power in exchange for being liked.

“When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less.” -Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In

Robin Givens plays the quintessential femme fatale in the 1992 romantic comedy *Boomerang*, leading a woman’s man (played by Eddie Murphy) to his temporary ruin. Her exquisite character is a modern example of how women can assert their power in relationships and career.

It’s no wonder that the very idea of feminine power is often just as uncomfortable for women as it is for the men in their orbit. Powerful women were once burned at the stake. In movies, powerfully seductive women, femme fatales, are fated to get their comeuppance. Even the words that we use to describe feminine attraction– ‘seduction’, ‘mesmerize’, ‘charisma’, ‘charm’—were all originally associated with witch craft and dark arts.

But there is nothing inherently dark about us.

Feminine power is intelligence paired with psychic intuition. It is radical creativity, comfort in the depths of emotion, sacred sensuality, access to healing energy and the ability to persuade without action or words. Feminine power is power we can’t touch, yet can feel. It is invisible, overwhelming and virtually indestructible.

Our strength is rooted in love. When women lead, we prioritize cooperation over division and creation over destruction. Feminine power manifests itself in collective action– in the formation of networks that bring about positive change. Our power affirms the sanctity of human life.

Power is not about having control over others; it’s about control over your voice, your body, your energy and your destiny. This is why power, for women, is absolutely necessary.

It is being able to express who you are in the world unapologetically.

It is loving you, taking care of your needs, and honoring what makes you happy. It is living and loving on your own terms.

We need power, especially if we desire to set our own personal agenda.

Personal power gives us the confidence to attract people and opportunity. Will power gives us the fortitude to play the game all the way to the end. Intellectual power is the knowledge we need to craft our own destiny. Creative power is the ability to manifest that destiny. Social and economic power improves our circumstances and ultimately affords us the means to make our world a better place.

As women, we don’t have to choose between being feminine and powerful. It’s not a trade off. Authentic femininity is powerful, and it is the way forward.

Nobody gives you power. You just take it. -Roseanne Barr

xo,

Ayesha

*This post is a reprint of my January newsletter. To get advice on feminine power and seduction sent to your inbox, hit the button below.

Power Players: The Top 12 Femme Fatales in Film History

The term femme fatale literally means deadly woman, but the only thing she usually bludgeons is the male ego. As you’ll soon discover, she much prefers to outsource her dirty work. She is a beguiling figure of film noire, the gritty, crime-driven genre born of widespread disillusionment following the Depression and World War II.

Who is she?

At first glance, the femme fatale is an alluring woman who charms a man into a precariously asymmetrical relationship, and then leads him directly into harms way. She is a sight to behold, first appearing atop a winding staircase, in nothing but a towel, anklet and cheap wig– or perhaps sauntering through the sticky Florida heat in chiffon dress that suggests, underneath, a body made for sin.

Her erotic energy is palpable. The meter of her speech, the texture of her voice, the curve of her gait– everything is choreographed for maximum hypnotic effect. Equal parts mesmerizing and machiavellian, she lulls her victims into unfamiliar emotional terrain–using her body as a precipice upon which one might risk life and limb.

Who is she, really?

A patriarchal inversion— a smart woman who uses her feminine wiles against men, as a means to gain power and independence in a domain where woman have neither.

A fulcrum around which events turn— she acts on desire, rather than wait to become the object of someone else’s.

A transgressor of societal norms— her very existence, even on celluloid, threatens to undermine womanhood as we know it. She represents an alternative model for femininity–a woman who is bold, sexually autonomous, smart, and selfish– that is, she uncharacteristically places her own needs and desires before others.

The Vagina Has Teeth

She is the culmination of male awe and angst surrounding unbridled female sexuality–the imminent threat of being totally consumed in a woman’s physical and emotional body, as if her womb were quicksand. Her archetype appears in gospel, folklore and myth; Samson and Delilah, the Greek sirens, even vagina dentata, a folk tale in which a woman’s vagina is said to contain teeth. Yikes.

The toothed vagina is no sexist hallucination: every penis is made less in every vagina, just as mankind, male and female, is devoured by mother nature. – Camille Paglia

With her character in the hands of male writers and directors, the femme fatale is predestined for a comeuppance (quite often death)–but no amount of back end retribution can diminish the powerful precedent she sets. Morals aside, femme fatales may be the best fictional example we have of women using their innate power to advance their goals.

There is a lot a girl can learn from a deadly woman. So pop your popcorn ladies…

Here are my twelve favorite femme fatale performances for your viewing, and learning, pleasure.

[divider]

The Top 12 Femme Fatales in Cinematic History

12. The Postman Always Rings Twice– Based on the 1934 novel by a James M. Cain that was considered so provocative when it first came out that the city of Boston banned it, noire icon Lana Turner plays a buxom blond trapped in a loveless marriage. She seduces a drifter who begins working in their diner, and together they conspire to kill her husband. The combination of Lana’s ethereal innocence, and her not-so-innocent tight white shorts are irresistible.

Seduction archetype: The Goddess.

11. The Last Seduction– Linda Fiorentino plays Bridget Gregory, a cunning woman who steals $ 700,000 from her husband and flees. She lands in Beston, a small town where her crooked lawyer advises her to lay low. While there, she liaisons with a local guy and turns him into killer. High notes: Forientino’s androgynous swag, husky voice, and her ability to turn a boy-next-door into her love-addicted, dirty-work doing, play thing.

Seduction archetype: The Boss

10. Niagara– In this 1953 technicolor film noire, Marilyn Monroe plays Rose, the younger and very attractive wife of a depressed vet. She and her lover conspire to kill her husband and fail. The tables turn when her husband plots his revenge. Niagara has a morbid ending, but the sight of Marilyn in a tight fuschia dress, writhing in such a way that mesmerizes the men on and off screen is unforgettable. There’s a ten-second shot of Monroe just walking away.

Seduction archetype: The Ingenue

9. To Have and Have Not– To be honest, this is not a classic noir, but Marie, played by Lauren Bacall, is every bit of a femme fatale.This was Bacall’s first movie role, and behind the scenes she could barely get it together. Watching, you’d never guess. She was 19 years old, but her extreme languorousness, that famous bewitching ‘look’ and her low, breathy speech suggested a woman far beyond her years. It’s no suprise that during the course of the film she and her much older co-star Humphrey Bogart fell madly in love. He left his third wife, and embarked on a long and storied romance with Bacall. The on-screen chemistry is as authentic as it gets, and the dialogue is scintillating! Any woman who aspires to elevate her conversation above banal banter should take note.

You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together – and blow.”

Seduction archetype: The Sophisticate.

8.Out of the Past– Jane Greer plays Kathie Moffatt, a chameleon-like femme fatale on the run from her husband, who eventually becomes the object of erotic obsession for a hard-boiled detective. Told in a series of melodramatic flashbacks, Greer shows the power of vulnerability, disarming with tenderness all the while using mystery to keep her lover at a distance.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren

7. The Killers- In her breakout role, Ava Gardner plays the gorgeous and mysterious Kitty Collins, a woman at the center of a murder mystery. Her entrance is unforgettable, leaning against a piano and crooning a sultry tune, she stands out against the women in the room like a panther with white fur. The Killers is a study in presence. Her eyes penetrate; her movement is graceful and feline. The Killers was made during the studio era when young actresses like Gardner were coached in the art of on-screen seduction. Gardner wrote in her biography, “A lot of people have told me through the years that it was The Killers that set me on the road to stardom, that defined my image as the slinky sexpot in the low cut dress, leaning against a piano and setting the world on fire.”

Seduction Archetype: The Sophisticate.

6. Double Indemnity– If you only watch one film noir ever, this is the one to watch. Double Indemnity is considered the definitive film noire, and Barbara Stanwyck, as Phyllis Dietrichson, executes a textbook seduction. From the moment she appears leaning over a banister, draped in a towel, the chase is on. She seduces an insurance agent and convinces him to kill her husband and make it look like an accident, so as to collect the insurance money. The only downfall of the masterful movie is the horrible blonde wig the director insisted Stanwyck wear. In his defense, he wanted her to look cheap.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren.

5. Basic Instinct– If you can get past the gore of the opening scene during which an anonymous blonde mercilessly murders her lover with an ice pick– this is a great neo-noire. Sharon Stone plays Catherine Tramell, a crime novelist and the last person to be seen with rocker Johnny Boz before his mysterious murder. Michael Douglas plays a homicide detective assigned to the case. He is determined to convict Tramell of the crime, only he gets caught in her seductive lair and the two begin a torrid affair. Stone plays the Hitchcockian ice blonde to the hilt and who can forget the gutsy interrogation scene where Stone uncrosses her legs….

Seduction Archetype: The Coquette.

4. Body Heat– If there’s one word to describe this 1981 neo-noire, it is steamy. Literally. The story takes place during a Florida heat wave and the characters never appear on screen with a thin veil of sweat. Matty Walker, wife to a wealthy, unscrupulous businessman, begins an affair with an inept, womanizing attorney. Having fallen head first for the mysterious woman, Matty is able to convince her lover to kill her husband. Are you recognizing a pattern here? Kathleen Turner’s frank mix of sexuality and coolness is exciting to watch. Of note: A master manipulator, Matty Walker gives you a step-by-step playbook of how to get a man to do just about anything. She also makes the case that every siren should own a billowy, white dress.

Seduction Archetype: The Sophisticate

3. Vertigo-Kim Novak stars as the distant femme fatale in Hitchcock’s haunting psychological thriller that begins when a wealthy shipbuilder hires a retired San Francisco to follow his wife –who’s been acting strange. Novak seduces the detective from afar, her puzzling behavior and sphinx-like demeanor causing a man with acrophobia to scale buildings in her trail. With nuance that only Hitchcock can deliver, Vertigo proves that paradox is immensely sexy.

Seduction Archetype: The Enigma.

2. Boomerang- Robin Givens plays Jacqueline Broyer, a seductive executive in this romantic comedy about a playboy who meets his match. While not a classic film noire, Jacqueline is a ravishing femme fatale who uses her powers not for control– but for autonomy. She is the chooser. With her victim trapped in a hopeless game of surrender and retreat, Boomerang is a modern example of how feminine power can be asserted in the boardroom and bedroom.

Seduction Archetype: The Boss.

1. Gilda– Gilda is the film that made Rita Hayworth a superstar and the ‘love goddess’ of her time. She plays a hedonistic and flirtacious femme fatale married to an older man–a cold, wealthy, casino owner. Unbeknownst to her husband, Gilda has history with his right hand man, Johnny, and the two embark on an intense love-hate relationship in which Gilda teases him with her exuberant sexuality. It’s hard to put Hayworth’s performance in Gilda into words. Her erotic energy jumps off the screen. High point: Gilda dancing in sinful black dress, tossing her jewels to the crowd, and peeling her gloves like hosiery. Few things bring a woman to life like dance.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren.

Which film heroine do you most resemble? Discover your unique brand of captivation with my psychology-backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ quiz.

xo,

Ayesha

Part IV: How Feminine Energy Transforms Relationships

In the 4th and final installment of this video series on feminine energy, discover the two qualities that deepen and transform romantic relationships. Masculine energy may lead with action, but feminine energy leads with feeling, and this is a critical aspect of any connection.

With powerful love,

Ayesha

Part III: How Feminine Energy Translates into Real Power

(Part III of a four-part video series.)

In Western societies, there’s a word for masculine energy. It’s ‘power’. The traits that we associate with power (assertiveness, emotional objectivity, physical strength etc.) are all aspects of masculine energy. Masculine energy is not exclusive to men, it is a manifestation of left hemispheric brain function– a mode of relating to the world that evolved to accommodate the earliest human hunters. Feminine energy is a manifestation of right hemispheric brain function which evolved to accommodate the equally critical tasks of gathering and nurturing. Traits associated with femininity are often seen as the opposite of power. We are criticized as women for being too emotional, sexually empowered, creative, or even relying on our gut. But in this video, I explain how these feminine traits are not only powerful, but they are the necessary counterpart to power as we know it.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

Part II: Masculine Energy and the Consequences of Hyper-Masculinity

Masculine energy and feminine energy represent two different ways of engaging the world. They are two modes of consciousness, rooted in evolution and neurodesign, to which all people have access. In this video I explain the primary traits of masculine energy and the dangerous crises that emerge when a society elevates masculine energy at the expense of its feminine counterpart.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

Part I: The Real Meaning of Feminine Energy

Feminine energy and the feminine principle are often explained in very vague terms— people say things like “your inner goddess” or “tap into your siren”, but what in the world does that mean!? In this video, I explain the concept of feminine energy as it relates to neurodesign and human evolution. I list the essential components of feminine energy that we call feminine values. In part II of this video series, I explain masculine energy and the concept of hyper masculinity. In part III, I unite both concepts to explain how embracing feminine energy makes you more powerful in your personal life, relationships, and within the world.

xo,

Ayesha

Why Queens Have the Most Power

The Woman Who Changed The Game

The Arabs introduced the game of chess to Spain during the 8th century, but it wasn’t until 1495, when Isabella, Queen of Castille, reached the height of her powers, that the queen became the most powerful piece on the board. In real life, Isabella, the monarch who unified Spain and sent Christopher Columbus on an epochal voyage, was the most powerful person in all of Europe. Yet even still, to the people of Spain, King Ferdinand mattered most. Ferdinand was a figurehead, and although his wife eclipsed him in real power and influence — he served as a walking, breathing, symbol of Spanish sovereignty.

For thousands of years, men have used patriarchy as a means of dominating the systems and institutions of civilization. They are often the figureheads of companies, movements and families, but like the king on the chessboard, this form of power has limits.

I am reminded of the late Fidel Castro who survived 634 assassination attempts. When the sovereignty of a kingdom rests on the welfare of a single person, that person, no matter how omnipotent, is a walking liability.

Masculine power is sustained by real structures– and anything real can be dismantled and destroyed. Fortresses, skyscrapers, rigid hierarchies, laws, armies and intimidating displays of force–all of these traditional signs of authority project an illusion of impenetrability, but quite the opposite is true. We read about the vulnerable nature of masculine power structures in news headlines each day, in stories about insurgents, corporate takeovers, and political upsets.

The paradox of masculine power is that the more impressive it is, the more vulnerable it becomes. Masculine power must constantly affirm itself in order to exist. It is always ‘doing’– performing, acquiring, coercing, and ultimately defending its viability. Perhaps this is the real reason power corrupts.

Masculine power is like the king on the chessboard, plodding along one square at a time, much like our conscious mind wanders from thought to thought and action to action. The game revolves around the king, but he is at the mercy of those who flank him. Alone, he is weak.

Chess reflects the real world.

“Feminine” vs. “Masculine” Power

Movies like The Godfather exemplify patriarchal authority, and the need for masculine power structures to constantly (and often violently) assert, and reaffirm themselves.

In western society, traditional leadership is masculine in nature. It is rooted in our left hemispheric brain function, the hemisphere that biologists believe evolved during the Paleolithic to accommodate hunter/killer instinct in humans. Masculine power favors emotional objectivity, logic, convergent thinking, assertiveness, a willingness to kill— and by default, men. Big surprise, masculine power structures inherently favor men, and as such, in a patriarchal society–we define power in masculine terms.

Feminine power, by contrast, is a manifestation of our right hemispheric brain function, a neurodesign that first evolved to suit the critical gatherer/nurturer tasks of our earliest nomadic ancestors. Feminine values– intuition, emotionality, radical creativity, diffuse awareness, sensuality and nurturing–are typically relegated to the domestic sphere. These values are often viewed as the opposite of real power, and certainly overlooked as the necessary counterpart to ‘power’ in its masculine form.

In fact, some might even argue that the very term, “feminine power”, is an oxymoron.

(They would be wrong.)

Feminine power is invisible, overwhelming and virtually indestructible.

It exists in the seat of our subconscious. Like the queen on the chessboard, with the ability to move in any direction, feminine power is diffuse, arresting in ways that can neither be anticipated nor destroyed. Seduction, emotional persuasion, symbols and signs are all potent aspects of feminine power.

She Who Has the Ultimate Power

It is far easier to free the body than it is to free the mind.

Masculine power controls the body. Feminine power controls the subconscious mind. Masculine power takes. Feminine power never has to ask.

Masculine power reigns over the real,material world. It is power we can see and feel–and anything that is real can be destroyed. Feminine power is invisible and thus virtually indestructible.

You can burn a flag, but nothing can destroy the flags meaning. You can attack a place of worship, but you can’t dissolve the beliefs.

When I think about feminine power, I picture those women who can disarm their toughest opponents, or leverage their powerful networks to accomplish their goals. I think about those women who can fill a room with their presence, and get the answer ‘yes’ without ever asking a question.

I think about captivating brands that rouse our deepest feelings of identity, and the mesmerizing films that project our innermost dreams. I think about the lovers who make us feel like magic, the art the captures our breath, and the movements that motivate us to be the change. I think about how even the most masculine leaders pull the invisible strings of feminine power, employing charm and compelling image, to win their seats.

I think of women like Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and Leah Gbowee who lead the women of Liberia in the peaceful movement that helped bring an end to 14 years of a brutal civil war. They orchestrated the impossible by relying on feminine values of deep community and collaboration. They staged powerful silent protests– public spectacles that appealed to the senses. And yes, they even employed a sex strike.

These women exercised their authentic power in subversive ways and in doing so, accomplished what the male dominated society could not.

In a patriarchal society, it’s easy for a queen to aspire to move like a king, but perhaps you can see now, how unnecessary that is.

As partners, we make kings stronger. As mothers, we make kings.

And as sovereigns, we have the freedom to move, to explore, and to fill the world with our power, our presence and infinite creative potential. We are the necessary counterpart to power as we know it. The world needs our light.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

PS: What makes you powerful? Discover how you captivate with my unique, psychology backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes Questionnaire.

What Separates Wishers From Winners

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. -Alice Walker

I recently sat on a sexuality panel where an interesting discussion around fairytales arose. One woman quipped that Disney princesses were horrible examples for women. Arielle in The Little Mermaid literally disfigures her body, abandons her family and gives up her voice… just to be with a man.

In the real world, you and I both know that this revisionist approach to romance doesn’t work. Every day, women ‘fix’ themselves, withhold their opinions, cook hot meals, pull out Cosmo-worthy tricks, invest in silly books about dating rules and the such— and they still end up in unfulfilling, emotionally lop-sided relationships.

I began to think about the generational telling and reimagining of classic “happily ever after” scenarios.

Are fairy tales and the rom-coms that are based on them just another way that we tell women to behave and wait patiently for hero? Have we all internalized these misleading blueprints for happily ever after. In our quest to live out our own fairytales— are we actually giving up our personal power?
Think about it. Left to her own devices, Cinderella would still be sweeping chimney ashes today. Her redemption was entirely dependent on outside forces– the divine intervention of a fairy god mother and a persistent prince. That is not power.

A powerful woman knows who she is, what she wants, and expresses herself to the world unapologetically.

Let me repeat that—

A powerful woman knows who she is, what she wants, and expresses herself to the world unapologetically.

Although staged, this photo capture the true dynamic of Salome's 'intellectual' threesome with Paul Ree and Friedrich Nietzsche. — Although staged, this photo captures the true dynamic of Salome’s ‘intellectual’ threesome with Paul Ree and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Empowerment is more than a buzz word. It is an act of individuation– distinguishing your true self from what has been artificially imposed by family and society. It is a willingness to live on your own terms and to do what you please. It is action. It is a refusal to wait. This is what separates women who WISH from women who WIN.

The most seductive women in history were strong-willed oddballs. They set out to be a woman like no other even when their true self directly opposed the norms.

Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel cavorted about in mens wear and dared to build a fashion empire. Salome was a devastatingly seductive psychoanalyst who wrote about female sexuality during the prude Victorian era. And in an industry filled with bombshells, Lucille Ball made a lasting name for herself as a screwball comedian.

These women refused to play nice and wait for their time to come.

The trouble is, our Cinderella culture teaches women that it is more important to be ‘liked’ than liberated. Many of us are trying to desperately squeeze our feet in glass slippers that don’t fit. Here’s the brutal truth: Women who play nice and live to please DON’T WIN. They miss out on opportunities to advance their personal, professional and romantic goals.

(You, of course, were born to win.)

Your life completely changes the moment you realize you are in control. No, every woman isn’t born with the same advantages… but any woman can live the kind of life she wants as long as she’s willing to take it.

There is no fairy god mother. If you want a castle— claim it. If you want a prince–decide you are worthy and when you’re opportunity arrives, for heaven’s sake….Seize the day.

You are enough. Everything that you are, and everything you are not, is enough.

The best way to achieve your happily ever after is to write the story your self.